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Satire: How to be a good blind person
Jun. 6th, 2014 08:39 pmThis is going to cover things I've eluded to earlier, but this is going to be posted in more than one place, too. It's been a long time coming, so put your shields up and be careful, for the ride may be dark and dangerous. Here we go!
I've got it, yes, I've finally got it. Years ago I brought you my piece on how to be an OK blind person, but that needs an upgrade, so at this point, I think I've found the keys you can use to be an actually good blind person so that sighted people will really like you for you and other blind people will look up to you. This is it!
1. The first and most important thing to remember is that the only good blind person is a sighted person. So if you follow all these tips and you still can't see, you've fallen short of the ideal.
2. Keep in mind that to be normal and to be seen as normal is the greatest experience one can have in life. You must strive and push and struggle until you are seen as normal. If anyone tries to tell you that being normal actually means a default setting or being mediocre, report them to your local blind community leader for expulsion proceedings, for such ideas are heresy.
3. Your acceptance into the wider world is entirely dependent on your behavior and attitude. The wider world irrationally fears difference, so it is your obligation in the name of accomodating them to suppress all difference within yourself, and if enough of it is hidden you will have arrived at normal status and you will finally get all you want from life. We are unable to tell you how much enough is, but we believe that certain magical amount of enough exists because we wish it to be so.
4. As often as possible, complain about the behavior of other blind people, especially as regards whining, causing drama, wanting things for free, and being entitled. This will demonstrate to all within hearing range that you are truly normal and civilized, unlike those uncultured clods and creepy weirdos, and people will be so impressed with your complaints about complainers that you will gain instant normal status and all those creepy weirdos will appoint you their new god. Continue this behavior.
5. on the same note, point out human flaws and foibles of other blind people specifically, as if people's blindness forces them to think and act in that manner against their will, or as if fully sighted people are just too cultured, civilized and normal to ever do such things, and if they do, they get a free pass, because of course ...
6. This is a sighted world. This means if you are not sighted it is not your world. Anyone who tells you there is but the one world and we all share it has obviously been smoking rainbow juice again and should be reported to their local blind community leaders for expulsion proceedings as soon as possible. This will never ever be your world if you are blind, this is truth and fact. It will never change. It is how things must be. Resign yourself to this. Don't be a denier!
7. Do not associate with other blind people, since in order to gain normal status, you must see all of them except yourself as a shambling army of rocking eye-poking uncivilized unwashed monsters who just don't want to see the light of normalcy.
8. Since, as I pointed out earlier, your single-minded goal is to be normal, look up to all sighted people. Think of them as roll models. Be awed by their general coolness, like the nerd who might envy and look up to the jock or cheerleader. Strive to be like them in all ways, because blind people are unworthy just for being themselves.
9. Image is everything. This means absolutely nothing but it is a nice phrase to throw around so people can think you're philosophical.
10. Attitude is everything. Refer to item 9.
11. Perception is reality. Refer once more to item 9.
12. All blind people are responsible for the reputations of all other blind people. This is because those in the wider world may never have met another blind person, so since you just might be their first, they are going to use you as their image of blind people. This means that even though people are individuals, blind people are all alike in their minds. It is your job to make the best impression and otherwise accomodate the feelings of the public. So, never be angry, never show you're having a bad day, never sport the wrong attitude, just smile and think and be positive, always, day and night, because you are always being watched. Only sighted people can have such luxuries as bad days or privacy. Since you are not sighted, you can't have these nice things.
13. If you ever indicate to the wider world that it is actually wrong to believe any member of any group of people represents the whole group or all members of a group are not identical, this breaks blind community law. Society will and must believe we're all alike or else the bad thing will happen. Remember. society is always right, even when they're wrong most of the time, because they are bigger and more powerful than you. Do not be a denier, resign yourself to this.
14. As indicated above, society believes it is wrong to be different. Don't be different. If you are not different enough, people's fears of difference will disappear as if by magic. Never suggest that society must change its belief that difference is wrong. It is not their job to change, only you must do the changing. If you are caught trying to change society by suggesting it must change when you must not, you have violated the blind community code and will be sent to your local blind community leaders and will be expelled for speaking heresy.
15. Society says being different is wrong, we must emphasize this. As a blind person, you are different and as long as you are blind, no matter what you do, you will be different.
16. Never suggest that the wider world acts oddly toward us or is ignorant of us because they harbor primitive fears of what lurks in the dark, vulnerability and mortality. The truth and the reality is that they act funny around you because you're just not being sighted enough. It is completely and entirely your fault and it is all under your control and up to you.
And that is how you can become a truly good blind person. Now get out there and get normal, and stop talking to those freaky weirdo blind people!
I've got it, yes, I've finally got it. Years ago I brought you my piece on how to be an OK blind person, but that needs an upgrade, so at this point, I think I've found the keys you can use to be an actually good blind person so that sighted people will really like you for you and other blind people will look up to you. This is it!
1. The first and most important thing to remember is that the only good blind person is a sighted person. So if you follow all these tips and you still can't see, you've fallen short of the ideal.
2. Keep in mind that to be normal and to be seen as normal is the greatest experience one can have in life. You must strive and push and struggle until you are seen as normal. If anyone tries to tell you that being normal actually means a default setting or being mediocre, report them to your local blind community leader for expulsion proceedings, for such ideas are heresy.
3. Your acceptance into the wider world is entirely dependent on your behavior and attitude. The wider world irrationally fears difference, so it is your obligation in the name of accomodating them to suppress all difference within yourself, and if enough of it is hidden you will have arrived at normal status and you will finally get all you want from life. We are unable to tell you how much enough is, but we believe that certain magical amount of enough exists because we wish it to be so.
4. As often as possible, complain about the behavior of other blind people, especially as regards whining, causing drama, wanting things for free, and being entitled. This will demonstrate to all within hearing range that you are truly normal and civilized, unlike those uncultured clods and creepy weirdos, and people will be so impressed with your complaints about complainers that you will gain instant normal status and all those creepy weirdos will appoint you their new god. Continue this behavior.
5. on the same note, point out human flaws and foibles of other blind people specifically, as if people's blindness forces them to think and act in that manner against their will, or as if fully sighted people are just too cultured, civilized and normal to ever do such things, and if they do, they get a free pass, because of course ...
6. This is a sighted world. This means if you are not sighted it is not your world. Anyone who tells you there is but the one world and we all share it has obviously been smoking rainbow juice again and should be reported to their local blind community leaders for expulsion proceedings as soon as possible. This will never ever be your world if you are blind, this is truth and fact. It will never change. It is how things must be. Resign yourself to this. Don't be a denier!
7. Do not associate with other blind people, since in order to gain normal status, you must see all of them except yourself as a shambling army of rocking eye-poking uncivilized unwashed monsters who just don't want to see the light of normalcy.
8. Since, as I pointed out earlier, your single-minded goal is to be normal, look up to all sighted people. Think of them as roll models. Be awed by their general coolness, like the nerd who might envy and look up to the jock or cheerleader. Strive to be like them in all ways, because blind people are unworthy just for being themselves.
9. Image is everything. This means absolutely nothing but it is a nice phrase to throw around so people can think you're philosophical.
10. Attitude is everything. Refer to item 9.
11. Perception is reality. Refer once more to item 9.
12. All blind people are responsible for the reputations of all other blind people. This is because those in the wider world may never have met another blind person, so since you just might be their first, they are going to use you as their image of blind people. This means that even though people are individuals, blind people are all alike in their minds. It is your job to make the best impression and otherwise accomodate the feelings of the public. So, never be angry, never show you're having a bad day, never sport the wrong attitude, just smile and think and be positive, always, day and night, because you are always being watched. Only sighted people can have such luxuries as bad days or privacy. Since you are not sighted, you can't have these nice things.
13. If you ever indicate to the wider world that it is actually wrong to believe any member of any group of people represents the whole group or all members of a group are not identical, this breaks blind community law. Society will and must believe we're all alike or else the bad thing will happen. Remember. society is always right, even when they're wrong most of the time, because they are bigger and more powerful than you. Do not be a denier, resign yourself to this.
14. As indicated above, society believes it is wrong to be different. Don't be different. If you are not different enough, people's fears of difference will disappear as if by magic. Never suggest that society must change its belief that difference is wrong. It is not their job to change, only you must do the changing. If you are caught trying to change society by suggesting it must change when you must not, you have violated the blind community code and will be sent to your local blind community leaders and will be expelled for speaking heresy.
15. Society says being different is wrong, we must emphasize this. As a blind person, you are different and as long as you are blind, no matter what you do, you will be different.
16. Never suggest that the wider world acts oddly toward us or is ignorant of us because they harbor primitive fears of what lurks in the dark, vulnerability and mortality. The truth and the reality is that they act funny around you because you're just not being sighted enough. It is completely and entirely your fault and it is all under your control and up to you.
And that is how you can become a truly good blind person. Now get out there and get normal, and stop talking to those freaky weirdo blind people!
