crummyvision

OK, I admit, this is a bit of a winge or perhaps a huge monster winge, but it needs saying and this may be the only place I can safely or semi-safely say it. It is incredibly mind-bogglingly unfortunate that the thing people out there want to offer most willingly and that they think I need the most is actually the thing I need very little of. That thing is help, usually in the form of having my body moved or put somewhere. The thing people out there seem least willing to offer, or perhaps it's all on my head and I'm lacking some vital social skills or something, is true human connection, a meeting of minds and sharing of interests, friendship. I don't know if this is purposeful or people just don't think about it. But there are times I do wish people would walk up to me, say hi, give me their names, even their first names, and have just a normal conversation that people have and nobody has to help anybody with anything, nobody has to mean well or feel sorry for anyone's existence. That is all, I guess. There's days I feel so very lonely knowing that all people think I want or need from them is a seat on a bus or to get from one place to another but otherwise I guess I'm so alien or the concept of my existence is so disturbing to them that any actual human connection is too scary, too risky and would take too much time or energy.

Tragedy happened, somebody has to do something! But what? I dunno, but it's tragedy, and people are hurting and dying, and somebody has to act. OK, how do we act. I dunno, but if we all would do something, something will be done. Aren't you moved by the tragedy? Don't you want to do something? Well, yeah, I suppose. Where did it happen. In France! In France! OK, so you're telling me about a tragedy that you think I can fix, in France? Yes, you need to be aware! Why? Because it's important to be aware anytime people suffer and die because it's wrong and something needs to be done! I give up. But-but-but it's an important world problem and it's more important than your selfish desire for an iPhone. But I can do something about getting an iPhone, I can't do something about some tragedy in France. You can be aware! You can care! You can grieve with the families of the dead! Am I a telepath? I mean, will these people I'm supposed to be grieving with and caring about know this and feel it? Oh, details, details, that's not important. It is most important to feel the right feelings and to think about the right things, because it's important! OK, now I really give up.

One of the great frustrations of being a blind person in a world made of fully sighted and able-bodied people is good intentions. It can seem as if every interaction with anyone who is either not already your friend or who is paid to serve you has some element of "hey, look at me, I'm doing you a favor so you'd better be grateful for it." Good intentions also seems to be more important than universal ideas of manners, as in, what it is appropriate to say to a stranger or when it is appropriate to touch or enter the personal space bubble. Everyone's always trying to be nice, no matter how necessary or unnecessary the help, no matter how awkward or backhanded the compliment, and why randoms feel they need to compliment us in the first place is beyond me. If you dare as a standard generic human being to try to even kindly assert yourself, the doer of the good deed gets very defensive and offended. It seems as if, no matter how polite you are in your words, what matters most in this transaction is recognition of and gratitude for the good deed. That is more important than the result of what the person did, whether you really needed it or not, or if it was a remark or compliment, what kind of implied ableism there might have been, how appropriate it is to say to any stranger, or how backhanded the comment was or any other considerations. Your needs mean nothing. Your feelings mean nothing. The intentions behind the deed are the only thing that seems to matter, and I guess what people want from you is recognition that they are a good and kind person. Really? Do people really feel they are such hideous psychotic monsters that they need blind people to tell them they're good? Social media is also very telling. On Twitter, one is able to read anything posted to the main timeline. Put the word helped and the word blind in a search of public tweets separated by a plus sign and you'll see what I mean. People will tweet that they helped some blind person cross a road or get somewhere or find a bus seat or get on or off a bus or help shopping and people will not only crow about how good they feel about themselves for having done this, some will also tend to believe that somehow supernatural forces will give them favor and they are bound for paradise when they die for doing the good deed. So, people are doing this, at least it seems, for their own gratification, their own glorification, and their own gain even if that gain is in the afterlife. Some people will not object to this. They will say that if they make somebody's day by whatever good deed is done more power to them and they won't rain on that person's parade. Me, I feel differently but I also have to keep my feelings to myself because if I dare say boo about it and say anything that does not reassure the do-gooder that they are a good and kind person, I will always be the one to blame, I am angry, I am ungrateful, they are never in the wrong because good intentions seem to be a kind of get-out-of-jail-free card.

Imagine this conversation. It could be between two people or more, I'm not going to indicate who's speaking, save for putting things on separate lines.

Wow, what a sad world we live in. Did you look at the news?
Yeah, things are pretty sad anymore.
Isn't it sad how sad things are, that things just aren't as ideal as I wish they were?
Yep, pretty sad all right. Everything's just sad.
I think somebody should do something about it, try to make things better, y'know?
Yep, somebody oughta do something. Do you think aliens will save us?
Aliens? Are you serious? No such thing as aliens!
OK, what about the angels?
I haven't quite worked out whether there are angels or not.
You're not giving me much hope here, I mean, somebody has to do something.
Oh I agree, something just has to happen. Hey look, a star. Shall we wish upon a star?
Wait a minute, what? This isn't Disney. We're grown-ups, we all know wishes don't make things so.
OK, but who's going to do something about the sick sad world we all live in?
I dunno, but I do know we need to do something.
Hold on, we?
Yes we! If aliens can't help us and angels can't, and we can't wish upon stars and I doubt the government will help as they're too busy contributing to all the crap to save us from it, we have to do something.
Um, maybe later. I mean, I suppose I could do something, but I dunno what, but I think my wife told me the cat needed polishing or something, yeah, polishing, that's it.
Um, did you just tell me the cat needed polishing?
Did I say cat? I mean cabinet! The China cabinet needs a polishing.
Oh go on, you don't expect me to do anything about everything, I've got all these books to read and I think the wife is roasting a chicken.
So, what we gonna do?
I dunno, whatcha wanna do?
OK, now you're quoting the Jungle Book, this is ridiculous!
But somebody has to ...
We'll leave these folks to try and carry the woes of the world on their shoulders. Good for them for thinking about considering trying to change things though. Otherwise, try and be happy and have a good day, despite everything!

I really really really have to restrain myself on days like this where everybody seems to be talking about and upset by various incidents in what we've agreed is called news. I really want to get up on my insufferable annoying know-it-all arrogant high horse and tell people why they should just turn off their news. I know there's no escape from it, but I tell ya what. One thing I dislike about the news is because of its concentration on tragedy it makes one feel utterly helpless and it majorily messes with your perception of reality. I don't know if this is just a byproduct of what people have decided is news or whether there is some grand plan by making us all feel like civilization is going to go splodey in an hour or just feeling utterly hopeless and helpless. Maybe those feelings make you want to buy things. I would really rather not feel like my hands are completely tied or that everything is falling apart. I open my window or I go outside to my front or back yard and there are no shootings, no wars, no economic woes outside of one's own household budget, no toxin of the day, no armies of perverts lurking under every bush and tree. All that is happening way far away, way out of my control.

This is going to cover things I've eluded to earlier, but this is going to be posted in more than one place, too. It's been a long time coming, so put your shields up and be careful, for the ride may be dark and dangerous. Here we go!

I've got it, yes, I've finally got it. Years ago I brought you my piece on how to be an OK blind person, but that needs an upgrade, so at this point, I think I've found the keys you can use to be an actually good blind person so that sighted people will really like you for you and other blind people will look up to you. This is it!

1. The first and most important thing to remember is that the only good blind person is a sighted person. So if you follow all these tips and you still can't see, you've fallen short of the ideal.
2. Keep in mind that to be normal and to be seen as normal is the greatest experience one can have in life. You must strive and push and struggle until you are seen as normal. If anyone tries to tell you that being normal actually means a default setting or being mediocre, report them to your local blind community leader for expulsion proceedings, for such ideas are heresy.
3. Your acceptance into the wider world is entirely dependent on your behavior and attitude. The wider world irrationally fears difference, so it is your obligation in the name of accomodating them to suppress all difference within yourself, and if enough of it is hidden you will have arrived at normal status and you will finally get all you want from life. We are unable to tell you how much enough is, but we believe that certain magical amount of enough exists because we wish it to be so.
4. As often as possible, complain about the behavior of other blind people, especially as regards whining, causing drama, wanting things for free, and being entitled. This will demonstrate to all within hearing range that you are truly normal and civilized, unlike those uncultured clods and creepy weirdos, and people will be so impressed with your complaints about complainers that you will gain instant normal status and all those creepy weirdos will appoint you their new god. Continue this behavior.
5. on the same note, point out human flaws and foibles of other blind people specifically, as if people's blindness forces them to think and act in that manner against their will, or as if fully sighted people are just too cultured, civilized and normal to ever do such things, and if they do, they get a free pass, because of course ...
6. This is a sighted world. This means if you are not sighted it is not your world. Anyone who tells you there is but the one world and we all share it has obviously been smoking rainbow juice again and should be reported to their local blind community leaders for expulsion proceedings as soon as possible. This will never ever be your world if you are blind, this is truth and fact. It will never change. It is how things must be. Resign yourself to this. Don't be a denier!
7. Do not associate with other blind people, since in order to gain normal status, you must see all of them except yourself as a shambling army of rocking eye-poking uncivilized unwashed monsters who just don't want to see the light of normalcy.
8. Since, as I pointed out earlier, your single-minded goal is to be normal, look up to all sighted people. Think of them as roll models. Be awed by their general coolness, like the nerd who might envy and look up to the jock or cheerleader. Strive to be like them in all ways, because blind people are unworthy just for being themselves.
9. Image is everything. This means absolutely nothing but it is a nice phrase to throw around so people can think you're philosophical.
10. Attitude is everything. Refer to item 9.
11. Perception is reality. Refer once more to item 9.
12. All blind people are responsible for the reputations of all other blind people. This is because those in the wider world may never have met another blind person, so since you just might be their first, they are going to use you as their image of blind people. This means that even though people are individuals, blind people are all alike in their minds. It is your job to make the best impression and otherwise accomodate the feelings of the public. So, never be angry, never show you're having a bad day, never sport the wrong attitude, just smile and think and be positive, always, day and night, because you are always being watched. Only sighted people can have such luxuries as bad days or privacy. Since you are not sighted, you can't have these nice things.
13. If you ever indicate to the wider world that it is actually wrong to believe any member of any group of people represents the whole group or all members of a group are not identical, this breaks blind community law. Society will and must believe we're all alike or else the bad thing will happen. Remember. society is always right, even when they're wrong most of the time, because they are bigger and more powerful than you. Do not be a denier, resign yourself to this.
14. As indicated above, society believes it is wrong to be different. Don't be different. If you are not different enough, people's fears of difference will disappear as if by magic. Never suggest that society must change its belief that difference is wrong. It is not their job to change, only you must do the changing. If you are caught trying to change society by suggesting it must change when you must not, you have violated the blind community code and will be sent to your local blind community leaders and will be expelled for speaking heresy.

15. Society says being different is wrong, we must emphasize this. As a blind person, you are different and as long as you are blind, no matter what you do, you will be different.
16. Never suggest that the wider world acts oddly toward us or is ignorant of us because they harbor primitive fears of what lurks in the dark, vulnerability and mortality. The truth and the reality is that they act funny around you because you're just not being sighted enough. It is completely and entirely your fault and it is all under your control and up to you.
And that is how you can become a truly good blind person. Now get out there and get normal, and stop talking to those freaky weirdo blind people!

So according to this here quiz
http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/what-level-geek-are-you

I got only 20 points out of 300 items I had to check if I had done them. This means by the household definition, which I'm pretty sure this quiz follows, I'm not a geek, nerd, or other such creature, not much of one. Now I feel different. I do think I'm a nerd, I'm just very self-styled, I make up my own definition, because I'm sure as hell not a trendy fashion victim either. I think part of it is the blindness thing. Unless you've got lots of sighted geek friends with lots of time on their hands, are very patient, and think you're good enough to hang with them, your access to comic books, video games and RPGs are going to either be very limited or just not exist in the case of mainstream video games.
Part of the stereotype of the geek in my mind is a socially awkward introverted person, kind of like me. And yet, a lot of geek culture is about fandom and doing fan things with bunches of other fans at conventions. OK, I love Harry Potter and Star Trek and the Dark Tower and sometimes the Tolkien universe, but I guess I don't love any of it enough to adorn myself with tattoos of the given symbology, memorize volumes of trivia, speak fictional languages or any of that other stuff. You see where this is going to go? Real geeks would beat me up and steal my lunch money or a similar symbolic act. So, I pretty much live on my own planet in my form of geekery. I've got my DVD collection and old-time radio and all the weirdo music and whatever else strikes my fancy. I'm a damn square peg even amongst geeks and nerds, the former outcasts of society. Good thing or bad thing is up to you, o gentle reader, to decide.

No idea if I'm repeating myself here, but this needs to be written down somewhere even if nobody reads it, and I don't think anyone's reading this blog.
I love the holidays, or at least, I love the way I do the holidays. I don't even feel I have to temper my enjoyment of them with the usual complaints, because frankly, it's the tradition of these complaints that bothers me.
People say Christmas is too commercial. OK, so exactly how commercial would you like it? How much is too much and can you do anything about it? Here's how I cope. First, all my shopping is done on-line. No crowds, no annoyed people or store workers to bother, it's all good. Advertising? As long as I've been aware of Christmas, there's been advertising. It doesn't bother me. Many times the things they advertise are things I know I can't afford or whatever so I can easily let them go past me instead of letting them eat at me which is apparently what everyone else but I do.
Christmas has lost its meaning. OK, can you name the particular year that this meaning was lost? When in the vague and shady past did it have meaning, and honestly, why does meaning matter as long as you enjoy what you're doing? If you complain that it has lost its meaning, could you state specifically and exactly what you want? It sounds like to me that Christmas does not have meaning unless everyone comes to an agreement on a singular one, namely whatever you think yours is. I think like anything, we all give it our own meaning, there isn't one little one waiting under a rock for everyone to stumble upon and decide is the true and right one.
Christmas should be about family or being together, not presents. This depends. Do you like being around your family? Does your family like being around you? And is it just togetherness in and of itself that's important or is it about what you're doing while you're together. You can't just enjoy sitting or standing around as a group just kind of staring at one another. The presents are important, too, because you are showing your appreciation for your family or other people. The food is also important, because usually the particular foods and the particular amounts of them are in most cases out of the ordinary and are also in some cases traditional.
Let's harken back to the kvetching about commercialism. How many people would willingly give up all gifts, special meals, and other Christmas activities that involved spending money in place of a very spare day where nothing much really happens. I mean, this is a reality for some people who don't have family or friends to be with or can't afford stuff. I'm talking about the people who can afford stuff and yet complain. How much of the trappings would they give up.
We should be nice and give gifts and stuff every day, why just at Christmas. Simply because these activities break the routine of working or school or just mundane domestic stuff. If you gave gifts or feasted or did whatever every day, then it wouldn't be special, it'd be commonplace and you'd have to do even more to break the routine. Why not enjoy things as they are instead of wishing your life away over things you can't have or that is impossible.
Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I don't understand certain realities of life or emotions or something. I await the accusations, the defensive remarks, but it's what I think. What should you do? One simple thing. Relax and take what little or much enjoyment you can, that's all, and you don't even have to do it my way to be right.

No, this is not about the hair club or even the hare club. This is about what I call the Bro Club. Not so easy to define this, but I guess it's this romanticized idea in society that a man is supposed to view other men as his kin or his brothers merely because they are other males. Apparently males and females are supposed to be pitted against each other across some invisible line. It's like what, are we all ten years old again, between the time of not caring who to play with even if they're girls or noticing all too well that girls exist. It's that "ewww, girls are yucky and disgusting" phase. I really think I grew out of that and I'd rather not look back. Yes, as a person I enjoy being liked but I think far as I can remember at some point I cared more about if girls liked me and didn't much care if the guys liked me because, since virtually all of my free time was spent alone at home, I had my own tastes and interests which didn't mesh into necessarily what guys were supposed to be and do. I was and am a nerd. So part of the consequences of this is for years I've had many more female friends than male ones, and although I feel there's a vague pressure for me to either strike some kind of balance or leave the gals alone and go find a pack of dudes to pal around with, I really wouldn't have it any other way. I know if I'm in a group of people I talk easier to the women than the men unless the guys tend to be as nerdy and goofy as I am. There are lots of nice guys in the world, yes, but these nice guys can tend to be pretty dull in the personality department and their smalltalk is boring. If I were ever to be thrown into some kind of all-male environment, I'd most likely stay very quiet and withdraw into myself because I know I'd be a fish out of water. No, I don't pretend to have a greater understanding about women or whatever, but I feel I can talk to them as human beings and I like their company as friends and allies. Plus, and I don't want to seem as if I'm winging or playing the victim, but in my school days, those who chose to annoy me for their own entertainment were usually boys, which did not improve my opinion of them much. Yes, there were a few girls who would also act that way, but the worst thing the girls did was to just ignore me completely as far as I could tell.
I think one other thing I can't stand is when people will purposely, even if it's all in good fun, pit males against females. All the men will take one side of a silly argument merely for the sake of solidarity and the women will all take the other side. I'd rather just take the side I actually agreed with and not take a side just because all the other guys said they agreed with it for the sake of appearances. What did I just say, we're not ten years old anymore. I don't think women are annoying or incomprehensible, nor do I assume all of them are volatile. My wife isn't a volatile person. My ex-girlfriend was when I knew her and whether she still is or isn't I don't know since I am not in contact with her anymore. So, even though I may be generalizing to a point here there are always exceptions to the rule. And too, maybe this is only an issue in my mind and at this point people don't care much anymore. I know people used to. If you were a guy and you had lots of female friends, the old stereotype is that you're either gay or what people call a player. I don't think I'm either of those things, and what others think doesn't mean much of anything especially if they don't know or like me now does it?
So, I know this one was a bit of a rambler, and I don't apologize for that like I'm supposed to, but I hope my point makes sense.

I suppose this is the best place to write this, rather than on Facebook or even on my e-mail list. I fear my rather realistic attitude might be interpretted as devaluing other people's feelings or experiences and I really do not intend to play that even if it's read as that.
So on my e-mail list there's been some discussion about aging. Many people somehow seem to be against it or want to play certain psychological games, even if they're joking, to still appear as if they're young. Others wish to go back in time and do things over and make things supposedly better. Not me. Nope, I'm 48 years old and I think that's great. You know why? Because aging happens to all of us, it is built into the hardware and software. I accept it as natural instead of putting energies towards self-deception or deceiving others to think I'm something I'm not. You know what else? This is going to be a shocker, but it has to be said. One day, one unknown and undetermined day, I'm going to die. My hardware and software are going to shut down. You know what else? It's going to be a double shocker this time. So will you, and so will everybody, even famous people. It is not sad, it is the nature of things.
So, let's go back to something I eluded to earlier. Wishing to go back and make things better in my mind. The first thing that really gets in the way of these fantasies is the belief I ahve that wishing does not make things so, so here's your third shocker for this post. I don't wish for much. I do not wish my past was better, and it wasn't necessarily a happy past. I don't wish I was somebody else. I don't even wish I was TV's idea of perfect. Man, what an empty aimless life I must lead without spending most of it wishing that everything wasn't what it was, eh? Nope, I'm quite happy and content to not go around wishing my life away despite any regrets I have. Another thought came to me this morning as I was musing over this. If I were able to go back and change my past, I would have never met any of the friends or my wife or any of the other people I love and appreciate now. In fact, I could have met other people and who knows what good or ill might happen. Many times, our fantasies are better left unexamined because one should be careful what they wish for. You might not get the ideal outcome you think you will get. So I'd really rather just enjoy the moment, the present, even if I culturally live way in the deep dark past, instead of bemoaning what's wrong with everything and why I and everyone else and everything else aren't perfect.